Shocked Beyond Repair

What I am about to share with you has shocked me speechless. Yesterday, I was making my way through the kitchen to check out my feeding bowl when a slip of paper fell onto the floor. I could not believe what it said! I will transcribe it faithfully so you will understand how utterly undone I am:

                                         OCONEE COUNTY POLICE DEPARTMENT, SC


 NATURE OF INCIDENT: Sexual Assault                       DATE/TIME: Saturday, Mar. 24, 2007, 6:15 a.m.

VICTIM: Walter the Cat                                              PERP:  Little Calhoun Cat
AGE: 7 years                                                               AGE:  1 1/2 yrs.
WT:  25-30 lbs                                                            WT:  5-7 lbs
HT: 11 "                                                                       HT: 11"
EYES:  Green                                                              EYES:  Yellow
HAIR:  Orange Sherbet                                                HAIR:  Black and White

CASE NOTES/DESCRIPTION OF INCIDENT:                                    
At 6:15 am on 3/24/2007, a witness (one Carolyn Porter, age 23, now living in Richmond, VA, but a native of SC visiting family at 1652 Porter Dr., Seneca, SC) observed loud hissing originating from her parents' kitchen (Daniel and Elizabeth Porter, address above). Witness entered the kitchen, and upon doing so observed Little Calhoun (aka the "Funny Face Rapist") attacking Walter. Strangely, Walter is nearly three times his attacker's size. This aspect of the case is still unexplained. At 6:16 am, the witness attempted to stop the attack and succeeded in scaring away the suspect. Walter was administered immediate medical attention. The suspect is still at large. It is likely that he will continue to commit these crimes until he is incarcerated. A warrant for arrest and castration have been issued.

Well, my faithful readers I had no idea of the secrets Porter Manor holds. And it is with some trepidation that I tell you that Little Calhoun is now one of the outdoor cats. He says little, eats his food and then recedes to the kudzu. I shall keep a sharp and watchful eye on his whereabouts and take poor Walter under my protective "wing."